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Prosies - moody day - in spite of
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Prosies
< ? bostonites # > < ? blogs by women # > 
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November 5, 2003
I'm moody today. Not the only one, I think, but I can't vouch for others. Something seems vaguely wrong with the world overall. It might be the rain, the early dark. But it sneaks up on me unexpected. I worry about things that I can't necessarily control—like the arc of my career. Yes, there are things I can do to nudge that arc in the right direction. But I can't take my big hand and force it into the shape that I want. This mood is probably about two things: diet and exercise. Or rather lack of exercise and excess of diet. Specifically sugar. Ah, sugar. My OA sponsor reminded me of that oh-so-forgettable fact: that I don't have to give up sugar for the rest of my life. Just for today. Just for these 24 hours. I hate being in that space where I am beating myself up for having cookies. Innocent little cookies, just round little packets of flour, sugar, butter, chocolate. It's not about the cookies. It's about old shame, guilt, fear, and insecurity. It's about feeling I don't deserve to be successful. Just I guess that just for today, I'll have no sugar. I'll have healthier things instead.
And just for today, somehow, I'll find a way to exercise for ten minutes at the very least. Yes, I brought my gym bag with me, but I'm meeting a friend for lunch, and I have new kitties arriving at my house this evening. Even so, it doesn't mean I can't do some yoga in my room later. Or go for a brisk walk through the deepening chill. Maybe it'll bring back the joy I have in my neighborhood, and in my body. Carrying too much weight, perhaps, but still working. Still functional and not in pain. And still, in spite of all my fears about financial insecurity, still well-fed, decently clothed, cleaned, housed, loved, and cared for.
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