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August 15, 2003

Let us take a moment to mourn the loss of one of the nation's finest manufacturers of fresh, wholesome, and wicked expensive juices. Fresh Samantha, we hardly knew ye.

Back in the mid-90s, when I had disposable income and the Internet was still going to make everyone rich, I discovered Fresh Samantha juices. Specifically, I discovered their Body Zoomers, which were this totally fabulous collection of all-natural, fresh-squeezed juices driven down from Maine like that morning or something.

They were, of course, ridiculously expensive. One bottle cost almost $3. But this was in the age of the $5-a-day latte habit, and I figured it was a bit healthier for me.

My boss—at the time, I was working in West Hartford Center, and my boss was this sarcastic Connecticut type—called it the most overpriced juice in the Northern Hemisphere.

Which it is. But it is also the best juice ever, outside of your own blender. And blenders are a bit cumbersome to take with you to work, or downtown, or on the road, or wherever, whereas these little packets of fruity natural goodness were not.

Plus, they had these crazy pictures of a fictitious little girl with corkscrew curls who reminded me of Pippi Longstocking.

About a year or two ago, an evil new brand started appearing on the shelves, with an Aussie name. And one day, I went to get my happy corkscrew-headed fruit juice, only to discover there was no more—none anywhere in the whole wide world!

Odwalla Juice ATE Fresh Samantha! Ate her right up! Took her assets, her goodies, her market share, and gobbled them up. Forever condemned to the depths of our memories the lovely little red-headed girl and her wiggly friends on the label.

But worst of all, Odwalla Juice is not really healthy. It has shit in it, and it costs more. Just read the label! They put sugar in just about all of their mixes (oh, they might call it "all-natural cane juice, but it's still fuckin' sugar!), and the ones that don't have sugar in them have honey!

The only one I can even stand to look at any more is the carrot juice.

I never thought I would become this attached to a brand.

If I were a different sort, I might stage a protest, write my elected official, or start my own damn fresh-squeezed juice company. *Sigh*. As it is, I'll just write about it here, buy a blender, and drink more coffee and water. I blame it on Bush. This is Bush's fault. Let's recall him, goddamn it. He never won the election in the first place.